Review for The Thing Below

The Thing Below

Starring: Billy Warlock

Genre: Sci Fi/Thriller

Tagline: Fear is Rising.

Plot Outline: A top secret drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico raises a dormant alien creature from the depths. Once loose, the creature goes on a murderous rampage.

The Thing Below or Sea Ghost, which was the orignal title, is about a group of Navy doctors who find a cave found 14.5 feet below the surface of the earth. They collect specimens from the cave and soon after run into some trouble. The specimen(s) are let loose and begin to take over.

Seriously, this movie sucked. Yeah, it was so fuckin' bad they had to change the name before it was released onto dvd. It's apparent, within the first 5 minutes (if that), that most of their budget went into the packaging. The box cover looked awesome! The star of this movie was Billy Warlock, who played A.J. Quartermain on General Hospital. I don't know what they were thinking. He couldn't hack it on a soap and he was eventually replaced so why would a producer think he could handle a full-length film? On the soap he played a drunk, or attempted to. How in the hell could he pull off being a ship captainin if he couldn't even be a drunk? The rest of the budget, which was exactly $2.15, went into the computerized squid/alien thingy that came from the cave. Did I mention that this squid/alien thing could turn into what you most desire? Or that it can transform into you once you are dead? This film seems to be modeled after The Terminator in a way.

In case you haven't figured out my rating:

Run very fast from this movie and don't look back, or a 0 out 7. Sorry, Dookie, it doesn't even get a 1.

Review: The Ring Two

Starring: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman, Simon Baker, and Cameo by Sissy Spacek

Genre: Horror / Thriller / Drama / Mystery

Tagline: Fear comes full circle.

The long awaited sequel to the Japanese Horror flick, The Ring. The movie begins with the same gusto as the first; two teens (Ryan Merriman,Emily VanCamp) share an intimate moment together when Ryan Merriman suggests that his "friend" a.k.a. Emily VanCamp watch the video that inspired the chain of events which led to the shocking conclusion of "The Ring". An awe-inspiring twist takes place which causes even the most stubborn of jaws to drop. Naomi Watts and Co-Star David Dorfman return to the big screen (in my case, a small one) with the silly hope that Samara, (A small, frail yet dangerously psychotic "drowned rat" of a girl) has moved on, thanks to Rachel (Naomi Watts) It seems to me that this just is not so. Samara has returned and she has a new purpose in mind. She will return to life, no matter what the cost, to see that she receives what she so desperately longs to have. Even if she has to confront HER own worst fear.

Although this movie lacked the imagination of the first, it made up for lost points with several fine acting points. Praise goes out to Naomi Watts for her ability to imbue the audience with an un-erring sense of urgency, and David Dorfman whose talent for playing the intelligent and creepy, Aidan is matched only through the digitally mastered image of Samara All in all, I give this movie a 4.5 out of a 7.0, "Better than the first but far from great"

Beauty Shop Review

"Beauty Shop"

Starring: Queen Latifah and Alicia Silverstone

Genre: Comedy

Plot Outline: Gina(Queen Latifah) is a hairstylist who opens up a beauty shop full of employees and customers more interested in speaking their minds than getting a cut.

Sometimes even an all star cast can't even save a movie - Tiffany Kroll.

"Beauty Shop" is a movie is about a hair stylist (Queen Latifah), who works in a prominent salon owned by (Kevin Bacon), that dreams of one day owning her own shop. In a terrible twist of fate, she is forced to make her dream become a reality sooner then she planned. Queen goes through many ups and downs and all along continues to cut a great head of hair.

I didn't hate this movie but I certaintly didn't love it either. Queen Latifah offered up some serious comedic relief but that relief was challenged by the drama and in the end the comedy relief failed. Alicia Silverstone, who played Lynn, did a good job with her accent that changed dialects a few times. I definitely don't like her playing a "southerner." As simple as this is, think about a local hair salon that probably exists only in movies where everyone knows your name (cheers!) and everyone talks shit behind your back. Even more simply put...Bo-Rics.

If you haven't figured out my rating, let me spell it out for you:

W-a-i-t u-n-t-i-l (that got old really quick) you get a buy one get one free coupon and pay for the movie that you suspect will be better than this, or a 3 out of 7 for short.

Review for "A Walk to Remember"

"A Walk to Remember"

Genre: Drama / Romance

Tagline: It all comes down to who's by your side.

Starring: Mandy Moore, Shane West, Darryl Hannah and Peter Coyote

For all those not in the "know", this movie epitomizes the meaning of love. Shane West and Mandy Moore portray two teenagers in High School, from opposite social groups, who are thrown together when Shane West breaks the law. Mandy Moore plays the "daughter of a Preacher Man" who helps Shane West discover faith when he has lost all hope. Get ready for tears and heartbreak as you follow the paths of two very different teenagers find the ecstasy of True Love for the very first time.

All in all, I would give this movie a rating of 6 out of 7 (Rent this movie now or burn in hell) due to the heart-warming message it delivers to all who have found TRUE LOVE and to those who are still seeking the elusive Cupid

"Raging Sharks"

"Raging Sharks"

Starring: Corin "Corky" Nemec

Genre: Sci-Fi

Tagline: You Can Swim, But You Can't Hide.

"Raging Sharks" is basically an experiment gone wrong. Alien "stuff" from space falls from a planet somewhere and lands in the water. The sharks get a wiff of the "stuff" and that's all she wrote.

Wow, what can I say about this movie besides don't ever fucking rent it! I'm not kidding. There was nothing redeemable about this movie whatsoever. I was hoping that a little action between Corin Nemek, who played Mike, and Vanessa Angel, who played Linda, would at least make the movie a bit more enjoyable but no. It still sucked. I don't want to even bring up the whole shark that looked like my 3 yr old nephew drew or the aliens that made the sharks go bezerk. It would take me a whole day to point out all the flaws. I guess this is what I get for watching a movie that starred Vanessa Angel (who portrayed a whore in "Kingpin"), and Corin Nemec (who is best known for being Parker Lewis in the hit(?) t.v series "Parker Lewis can't Lose".

In case you haven't figured this movie receives a rating of:

Don't fucking rent this movie or a 1 out of a 7, for short.

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